Twisted Thoughts; The Quest for Perfection
Existence being what it was, I’ve always focused on simply surviving to my own nature. Surviving the crowds and false judgments of others as well, now that it comes to my mind. How could I forget? The constant presence of Samael’s soul must cloud my thoughts, how can I truly know? Despite all those troubles I manage to pull along, I feel that I might be ready for another step; Perfection. Every now and then, I dream of something wild. How would it be if I happened to have -everything-? If I had power, wealth and love? Freedom is not something I am looking for… it would be dangerous for me and the others (although I wouldn’t blink, should anything sad happen to the ones responsible for my misery). Are those ideas making of me a monster in the eyes of those who see light? Perhaps it does… and then, if they do see a monster, should I not show them a monstrous Scarlet? Should I not refuse to be innocent and still pointed fingers at? Probably.
– May it be all or nothing, Master. I know you didn’t ask a particular task of me, but for you I will achieve true perfection. Then, perhaps you will be proud of your belonging.
In fact, from a neutral point of view, I could describe myself as a worthless being. It can be shocking for some that such thoughts are intoxicating my mind, but I still truly believe them. There is a list of important things that I have failed, that still bothers me to this day;
– Having lost the Family.
– Having failed to gain complete control of the town.
– Not having been able to track down the ones that betrayed me.
Only three simple points, but heavy with consequences. When I decide to commit, never will I only put half the effort needed into it. All or Nothing, success or nothing. Failure is simply not an option. Now that Samael is back, I even have more pressure to succeed with my plans. I can feel his judgements in every glance he takes at me, in his every words, everywhere, all the time. He has achieved so much more than I, than beside him, I feel like a complete failure. He has risked everything in order to win what he desired, despite all the obstacles on his path. And I? I’ve been an obstacle and even failed at being one. I have failed him many times in the past, but I will change my ways and seek true perfection, to prove to him and to others that I am worth more than they imagine.
Seeking wealth will be where I’ll start. To rebuild my Family and be able to grant desires to many men and women, I need quite a few mountains of gold. Chests filled, I will easily be able to gain influence on other levels, to pursue my personal quest. Innocently, it’s my good friend Delia that will help me get there… I would almost feel guilty of such manners, but the greater good calls. One day, maybe, I’ll take a look at her soul and keep her for myself as a reward for being so helpful. I might love her too, after all.
